BZ

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but i'm sure you'll enjoy it.

So I'm going to be real with you. I feel like I'm being watched. Maybe it's the drugs I've done, maybe it's me not doing them, but whatever IT is, it feels real. At Bonnaroo most of my paranoia was imagined; a mixture of meth- and dextroamphetamine supplied paranoid thoughts moving rapidly through a mind slowed by sleep deprivation, marijuana, opium, and alcohol. these thoughts and the feelings of fear in response to them were amplified by the MDMA, and the acid I had eaten was one vial away from an experience I'll share a few paragraphs down. Cameras WERE everywhere, although my (temporarily) enhanced ego misconstrued them as all pointed towards me. Keep in mind I'm going to forget things, MY mind isn't working properly right now. If you have the desire to inquire, I'll put the pieces together the best I can.

During this experience, most of the paranoid delusions were just that. However, there were some links were made and still seem blatantly clear, and the main one is my father. I'm sure I've explained what he does for a living, and the fact that my phone might be monitored because it was on his plan first seemed real, and then not. That is, until today when i corresponded with a friend of mine from Dallas. He was ecstatic about his recent exploits into an old abandoned mall just north of Dallas. He was having experiences involving "demons", "ghosts", and other forms of what i call "big-people santa claus", though they are a bit removed from Jesus. What was strange to me, however, was how this corresponded with other events, such as MY first experience with a presence in my house (which my stepfather had warned me about), and my experience with this methaddicted but seemingly coherent "priestess" from Manhattan.

I'm not going to mention his name, though they already know his name, but the friend who was exploring this area and his roommate found an old homeless man there. Nothing special, at first, until they realized he was "batshit crazy" and "possessed by a demon". The intelligent thing to do was gtfo, and my associates are intelligent people, I'll have you know, but they made plans to go back with more people and talk to the man in a safer setting. for this part I'll deliver an edited correspondence.

" dunno how to explain it all man
id have to talk to you in person
but its all electromagnetics
demons are electrostatic with a conscience
and they are able to get into your nervous system
by being electricity
and reading the electric currents
because our thoughts are electric signals
they affect electric charge
thus electromagnetic auras
can be eminated from our bodies
strong thoughts
and wills
like sorrow
and pain
live on
in ghosts
and demons like the one weve encountered
feed on them
and the weak willed
like hobos
the one weve found has control over a hobo
you know
mine and ------ phones have been tapped
----- was talking about the mall in great detail with people for a couple hours
and he said so much shit about it that was dingged that he got a call
from a dude that was listening in
had a voice masker on
said that if we talk to the hobo
we wont last long
meaning he will kill us or the govt will
basically what happened with that mall is
the swat like went in to do training
on that building
and something happened
they discovered the shit was fucked up
the demon and or the hobo were there
fucking with shit
so they told someone
now theyre researching it
and they have technology i cant even fathom how sensitive
watching that whole building
studying"

He said more involving how things had been deleted from his facebook and how it was ironic and naive of us to think that computers were safe for us to communicate with. He was going to explain more but then left unexpectedly. shortly thereafter my facebook also started to malfunction. I couldn't copy the rest, though i could talk to other people fine. You don't know this friend, so you don't understand how amazingly skeptical, intelligent, and real he is with me. On full scholarship to UTD with plans to upgrade to UT for science. We know when one or the other is joking; I know that he's scared. These people know they deal weed and hallucinogenic drugs and binge with others from time to time. They know personal information and situational information in regards to their bored, stoned exploits that seemed harmless at the time. I figure I'm far away from this situation enough that I'm not threatened but it's still there, that fear. I've tried to stop smoking weed and doing drugs recreationally because I can't deal with the Fear, as Tom and I call it. I've heard and read the word used this way before, and we mimic it because it fits. And thus we segue into the other experience.

I dropped by a friends house one night after a decent party shortly after I had moved in. This was right after school ended, and I thought it odd that neither he nor my connect had answered my phone, since we were all dealing at the time and liked to keep each other updated on what was going on. I walk in to a room full of people (including the connect and, of course, the homeownder) crowded around over two hundred hits of acid, preparing two vial-washes. I think I ended up eating over 15 hits that night between what i had on me and what i was given, but i can't be sure. I was drunk to start with, ended up drunker finding beer in the fridge, and ended up wasted from the beer run the neighbors we shared the vialwash with performed. Homeownder and I felt a presence and aided in constructing it during a meditation session, to use words the best I can. It was insane. And now I'm insane. I was "tripping" for over 24 hours, on LSD. In other words, I ate so much that my brain couldn't handle the result of ingesting that much of the chemical after it was already excreted from my body. It was too much, and I've tried to get away from it, tried to get away from being too deep into things. I've been depressed, paranoid, and I feel like I exist in and out of "real" time, which makes me paranoid again for my mental health and hints at possible schizophrenia. My family has a dark past involving murder, infanticide, bi-polar disorder/chronic depression, alcoholism and drug addictions of all types, and most recently insanity caused by an inability to achieve REM sleep for 6 months in the case of my grandfather. I feel like I have a lot on my mind, and being that apathetic athiest girl i love you for, it either won't bother you and I'll work out who i am and what's going on with occasional correspondence, or you won't want to deal with me at all. Either way it's okay.

there's other things I'd like to say, but those are for those rare face-to face meetings. And if they become rare enough they don't happen, then it's better left unsaid anyhow.

In case of rapture your car will be stolen

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• Zoroaster

• Tue, 06/30/2009 - 15:00